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Three friends married women from different branches of the military.
The first man married a woman from the Navy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from the Air Force. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a Woman Marine. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

From: Bill Rolke

A PFC, A Sergeant And A Gunnery Sergeant Are Walking In The Sand One Day, When One Of Them Kicks Something Shiny In The Sand. Picking The Object Up And Brushing It Off..It's A Magic Lamp, And A Genie Comes Out In A Puff Of Smoke....I Am The Magic Genie And You Have Freed Me. I Will Give You Each One Wish...Immediately, The PFC Says *I Want Out Of The Crotch, I Want A Beautiful Babe And I Want $100,000.00.....Poof, And The PFC Is Gone....The Sergeant Smiles...*Not So Fast..I Want Gorgeous Girls With Me Always And 100 MILLION Dollars...Poof, Smoke, The Sergeant Is Gone...........The Genie Looks At The Gunney While He Waits And Asks For His Wish..*Simple, Said The Gunny With A Smile...Have Them Back By Reveille.




 From
John L Burke Jr
A Marine Physical
When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the United States Marine Corps.
At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.
What chart doc? The young man asked.
The one on the wall! The doctor said.
What wall? said the young man.
Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill the quota, the doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room naked.
Now what do you see son?
Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat.
Well, you may not see anything, the doctor said, but your dick is pointing straight towards Parris Island, South Carolina.
Welcome to the United States Marine Corps.
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A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back." 
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The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."
        • The Army will put guards around the place.
        • The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
        • The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
        • The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.
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An Army Cpt and his platoon were to take a hill from the Marines. The Cpt sees one Marine on the hill. He sends his most uber bad ass Soldier up. The solider comes rolling down 20 seconds later all beat up. The Cpt send 2 guys up and they come rolling back down. Now he gets mad and sends 20 men up. With in 10 seconds he sees them retreat and his men are screaming "it's a trick there is two of them".
________________________________________________________________________________ A reality TV manager was interviewing one person from from each of the armed forces for a spot on the new TV show. 
A soldier came in first and the manager handed him a berretta, and said, "Go into the other room there and shoot whoever it is in there." The soldier goes in and came back out and said, "I can’t do it." He didn’t get the spot. 
Next a sailor came in and the manager said the same thing to him. The sailor went into the room, came out and said, "I can’t do that." He didn’t get the spot. 
Then an Air Force pilot came in and was handed the same berretta and was told to do the same thing. Before he even went in he turned the manager down. 
Finally a Marine came in and stood in front of the manager at parade rest. The manager handed him the berretta and told him to kill whomever it was in the other room. The Marine walked in and from behind the door came a loud BANG!! Then what sounded like braking wood and then screaming. The Marine walked out, covered in blood. The manager yelled, "What the hell happened." The Marine replied, "Some dumbass put blanks in the gun so I had to break off a table leg and beat him to death, sir."

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A husband and wife are asleep in bed when the phone rings. The husband answers and says "Hello?". There's a pause, and then he says "Do I look like a fucking weatherman?" and slams the phone down.
"Who was that?" asks the wife.

"I don't know", says the husband. "Some prick asking if the coast was clear".

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The Gunny growled at young Marine, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning." "Thanks, Gunny."
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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 How Do They Separate the Men From the Boys in the Navy?With a crowbar!_________________________________________________________________________
You can take a sailor out of the navy but you'll never get the seaman out of him.
_____________________________________________________________________________________Early Retirement!

At one time, the Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Gunnery Sergeant. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, “From the tip of my penis to my the back of my balls.”
The pension man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Gunnery Sergeant to drop ’em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the penis and began to work back. “Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed. “Where are your testicles?”The old Gunnery Sergeant calmly replied, “Vietnam.”
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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel."


















Why you shouldn't mess with Marines
Marines Top Ten- David Letterman

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